Excessive

You may have noticed that I've completely disappeared; my internet was cut-off (and TV.. but that's not really relevant) and I'm no longer online MSN or able to update my website. I have some entries pre-written up, so when I get access (more convienantly) I'll update with those already written entries and you'll be all caught up... kinda.

Right now I'm at my Mom's for lunch... that's why I have the internet and can update you guys about what's going on and stuff, so you're all informed about my mishaps. hah... mishaps. good stuff... i better go though. Toodles!

I'm sitting here wondering if anyone has noticed my sudden disappearance... and by someone, I mean not one of the four different people that actually thought I may have died, and made several attempts to check to make sure I was alive. I find it funny (not really offensive or anything...) that I'm offline for a day and people everywhere assume instantly that it was suicide. Anyway... The reason why I'm offline for the first time in ten years, is because that's what happens when you don't pay your rogers bill for long enough; apparently they cut off your internet and digital cable... bastards. So that leaves me with basic cable (they haven't come to my house to physically disconnect the cable outside yet, mwuhaha) and my games and DVDs, so I'm pretty bored lately, and when I'm bored, I think too much, and when I think too much, all I want to do is be alone, and not have any contact with anyone because... I don't really know, I can't really explain it. The thought of having contact with others makes me nervous and the only time I really feel comfortable when I'm in such a terrible state of mind is when I'm alone, because then I don't have to worry about how others are feeling, or if I'm doing things to please them, because when I'm alone, none of that stuff matters because it's just me, and it's a lot less stress on me, and at a time were the stress is at it's highest it's ever been in my life, situations where there is less stress are usually favoured over stressful ones.

I spent the entire day relaxing, taking care of my wounds, and watching TV.. and other than the neck/back aches recieved from the constant sitting/laying involved, the day was good, and relaxing, and I didn't feel like death for once.

I've been in a lot of fuckig pain lately and all I want is for it to stop..

I haven't been writing as much and it's really starting to bother me.

For some reason when I look through the crack in my curtains right in front of me, in my room, it looks like sunlight; I realize that it's just a light, reflecting on the snow on a car, but still, it made look twice to make sure it wasn't THAT early in the morning... cause ya know, that would just be insanity! INSANITY! Yeah, this paragraph came out of nowhere, pretty much in a fear of writing about anything else in my head hah. Oh well... that whole sunlight dealy was pretty entertaining in it's own right, so I'll let that be the highlight of the entry, because as we all know, there has to be a highlight.

Basically because I don't want to double post it... here's the link.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/quintile/1553.html

This is Jayla, my favorite this season of America's Next Top Model...

I've been having these overpowering feelings of dread or constant worry lately, that won't go away, and seem to cover many things in my life, not just one specific area. What I mean by that is that I'm not worrying about one specific thing in my life, but rather I'm feeling quite fearful about many things. For a change, these fears aren't causing panic attacks, or irrational behavior, so that leads me to believe that they are perhaps not blown out of proportion by whatever it is in my head that does the blowing (haha) and that they may be justified fears. My life is so insecure right now... it's all up in the air and I have no security, no definitive proof that things will work out, or that I will be okay; things seem to change from week to week, going from good, to bad, to great, to horrible, to who knows what's coming next. I've been trying very hard to stay happy and cheerful, even when faced with opposition; I try not to get upset or angry no matter how tempting it would be to be spiteful or hurtful. Things just sometimes, and most recently, feel hopeless, somewhat like no matter how hard I try, nothing turns out as good as I had tried to make it, with many aspects, like my freakin’ muffins. The fact that people around me have been moody themselves has only clashed with my attempts to become calm and relaxed, and usually egg me on to become angry or upset. Oh well, things will be better right? I suppose my strong fear of people abandoning me has been overtaking my hopefulness lately, with constant fear that I'll be alone with no hope without warning, it's very hard to keep hope alive.

I had half an entry written up, an entire retelling of Saturday night and what happened, how they managed to pull off on of their best shows... the details.. everything, but my comptuer froze and I lost it all... so fuck that shit. I'm in a bad enough mood as it is to sit here again and write out the same shit.

The Electrocult show last night was really weird, but the boys put on an awesome performance, and especially Kurt was really impressive. The atmosphere (because of the venue) was really odd... but watching them play was enjoyable, even though Vanessa and Brittanny never showed up. I'll perhaps go into more detail about not only the show, but the whole day later on, but right now I've got a beast of a migrane that oxycontin isn't even numbing. I really wish I had someone to hug me :(